Where am I Going, Where Have I Been

As women, it's isn't always easy to stay confident. We have the TV, the radio, our friends, peers and God knows who's telling us who and what's beautiful. Our society makes it perfectly easy to keep appearances looking good. While almost no one teaches how to actually "feel" good inside.

What we need is to define ourselves, to our self, and to do that we as individuals need to discover who we really are., I personally feel this, is the first and single most important assignment here on this 'university' called earth. Get it! 'UNIVERSE' <> CITY

Heritage"

I found in recent years that learning more about my self in terms of my actual lineage innate qualities, tendencies, and gifts, really makes a difference. Sure there's religion, new information, self-help, and other mediums. Yet, the question remains- How would I know where to go, if I don't really know where I've been?

Self-Guided Research"

Trust your instinct with this step. Look into historical point that strongly interest you. A culture that you are overly fascinated by may be an indication of a past connection of some kind, an unknown ancestry or even a previous life-time. Bear in mind, that not believing n something does not automatically mean that it has no bearing. Courageous, open-minded and honest research is the key to finding the answers you may need.

Converse with Your Grannies"

This, I find to be the fun part. Have a chat with the oldest living relative you have access to. Sit them down, fix them some hot cocoa, or ice tea in the summer, and let them talk. It comes naturally for most older folk, but asking focused and guided questions helps. I did this with my grandmother before she past. It was so beautiful. She was really proud of me for being so interested in my family history. Use a tape recorder, just in case, you loose each other, in the process. Besides you'll have that with you for life. And ya' can't beat that, can you.

Consult Your Inner-Guide"

Along the way you'll find that you've collected a whole lot of info. From your research, to your granny interviews, folks you may have talked to and your own opinions. Facts are just that, they're facts. So any data that you have, that contradicts itself, will have to be eliminated for you to know the truth. A good tip here is to consult your inner guide, your Shaman, sixth sense, Call It What You Want! It's all the same principle. Bottom line: Something inside you, knows the truth, from the horse pootie, and you need to listen to that someone, to find the answers you've been searching for. Hope that helps!

Breaking Free Step 1

What is it?

Today was one of the single most liberating days of my life. I had to admit to a room full of folks,

basically a support group. I where a mask and basically feel like shit on the inside most of the time.

In my previous, post I wrote about the very torturous and demeaning nickname, given to me when I was a child. Well, I not only answered this nickname, but I allowed that name to shape my self image-even though I had a better one to refer to. The first step was facing and admitting that this was a problem for me. So that's just what I did. now what

Well, i started

The next is to one by one address every participant in this hanouse act of mis-addressing someone with an erroenous title.

Building The Fireproof Bridge... PART l (A Mini- Saga-Based on a true story)

From the words of Sandra, Bullock, "Everything ends badly, other wise it wouldn't end. Do you believe that? Because if you do, it definitely will, end badly.

Nobody loves Ms. Bullock's body of work more than I, but that was one line, I don't accept.
Take your average relationship. Must we always end-up, tire slashing, clothes burning, & riff raffin' our men, out the door. Granted there are instances of infidelity, that are almost impossible to bear. But not always, and we certainly don't have to end so badly.

Let me tell you, my story.

When I was 16, I found out my boyfriend, and first love, had gotten another girl, pregnant. Her name was Jenni. My boyfriend's was Micheal. In one phrase, I'll describe him as a wild heart. Angelic on the inside, but completely lost, without. I was the exact opposite, completely lost within, but Angelic on the outside. All the while Jen was just lost in the wild- or so it appeared.

I remember Jennie wore the shortest skirts, and stayed out later than I ever could. Got to do all the bad girl stuff. While with me, Mike had to sneak his way in, and tip toe around my curfews. Needless to say my mom hated him, on top of everything else. For a young, hot-headed teen, the choice wasn't that difficult, I suppose. But he was true to me, for some time. I'll give him that. But the night I got the call, and found out what he had done. Despite his tears, apologies, and explanations, our relationship definitely took a viscous turn. I told him, that it would hurt me more stay... than it ever would to leave, and that he'd given me no other choice. That night, we ended.

About a year later, after moving away from the old neighborhood, going to a new high school and even dating a new guy. He decided to call. I asked him what he wanted. He told me he needed to hear from me -our conversations, and evidently, the sound of my voice. I asked him why. Obviously, I still wasn't over the hurt. He changed the subject, and began discussing how unhappy and distant he and Jenny where. I wondered whether it was my sympathy he sought, " Is this the part where I'm suppose to care? I asked. Yeah, I was a real stinker. He simply said said..." No, But I remember a time where, you and I could talk about any and everything, for hours, until the sun came up. "Do you remember the night we climbed the side of your mom's house, and I slipped and almost broke your nose." I didn't want to, but I laughed so hard, because that night, was classic. We'd spent so much time sneaking around, just to be together. We simultaneously, started to realize, we fought so hard, just to see each other. How did we wind up here? In this place. Not just broken up, but torn from each other completely. That night, we talked about so many things, that I started to understand exactly why Jenny came into the picture. There was a time I had lied to him. Actually, I omitted a fact about myself, that was important to him. Mike saw this, not only as betrayal but, it made it him feel like, I didn't respect him. More details on that in the next chapter.

We went back and forth, a bit. "If I hurt you so bad, why would you hold that inside. "I don't know, I just did. So I chose, what I knew best, I retaliated- not against you, but at my self, for being so stupid. " You're not stupid! I insisted. "No, but to you I was, right? That's not true, Mike I just didn't know how to tell you, we had just met...and I wasn't sure about your motives." "You led me to believe I was your first. " No, you assumed". Besides, you were my first-love that is. 'Who I first lay with before I met you, was not up for discussion-not so soon, and definitely not on our first date. I just never re-visited the topic that's all". "Well you should have." I sighed.

Forget about it. I didn't call to argue. And I forgive you, Kad, but I was wondering. Do you think you could ever forgive me too? A river of tears streamed down my face. , I realized that I hadn't forgiven him, after all that time. But that night, I did.

Mike & I were best friends, we had fun, and he dared to do, what no other guy had up until then. He helped, me to let go- not to take myself so, seriously, but most important how to live a little. No matter what happened, I'd always have that. Moving forward, I would always have him too. Regardless of whether we stayed together.

ONE YEAR PRIOR

Helicopters swarmed the neighborhood for the 1st time ever on that summer night in 1993.
As I looked up, I couldn't believe my eyes. I ran up to the backyard balcony, and to see exactly how many of them were after him. All that for one little black man? I thought. I was just a stupid fight.

The day before, Mike had gotten into some quarrel with the boys across the street from my house. They claimed, he'd stolen some kids bike. Mike swore he borrowed it, as he usually did, and told them to ease off a bit. Then of course they committed what most teenage guys called the ultimate disrespect and tried to diss, and swing at him, in front of me- his girl.
The next hour following, that incident was like watching my worst nightmare playout in real time. Some kid road by on his bike, with a pistol and shot into the air, toward their ' back yard. What? We all ducked, trying to not to looked around. I suddenly got this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I then ran home.

Ding dong! It was my neighbor Eddy. He informed me that there were, twelve or more police cars, and soon to be heli-copters, in search for Micheal. He was 17 at the time. "Do you know happen to know where, he is? He asked . " I've never actually fainted before, but if I ever was, that would have been the time. My head got real light. I asked him for what. I was still in total denial.

Attempted murder and petty theft. "Attempted who? "Mike would never..." I actually wanted to, knock this guy into the next block, for even saying that. I was so angry. "You know Mike, would never hurt anybody, you know him. 'Auuughh'! Ohhhh.... The last time I cried like that I think I was 5. I was so scared for him. Here the police were, circling the neighborhood, and pretty soon the Brooklyn skies, for my boyfriend. A guy I decided, I wasn't living without. To be continued.

PART ll

Day two, and as word would have it, Mike's in the slammer. "Heard they beat him real bad when they caught him" said a neighbor of mine that morning. Ricker's Island never been so jammed."

I ran to the phone, to call the city jail, they allegedly put him in. 8-2 and 4-8pm Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday were his visiting days. Good thing I wasn't workin' otherwise he'd been really humbled. 'Good lord, how'd my life get so pathetic-so fast? I gasped while getting dressed to visit him. "What does one wear, for a prison visit anyway? "I sure hope no one's trying to"initiate"' him from behind, like I've seen in them movies'. These thoughts, and many more just flooded my mind . A friend Dee, came along for moral support.

After being searched and seized, and a long line of waiting. They finally called our number. And on the mini bus we went -to his section of the Island. There he was, in his Mario Brothers suit and hand cuffs, approaching our table. He looked so skinny to me...but he had this strange glow on his face. "You ok? I asked while grabbing him close. I even smelled his clothes. "What do you eat hear?" I couldn't help but fuss over him. "Had a lot of time to think about things", he said. " What things? "Everything, my life, you...and everything that's happened. I'm sorry." " Why? I pleaded. Why would you do this? "I was scared, he answered. I didn't know those guys. Guess I felt , cornered, too". "And now, what are you gonna do? "I don't know, wait, I guess." he shrugged his should looking away. Soon, he held my hand, across the table. We talked for the hour we had. My tears went into auto- pilot, when they announced, all we had was three minutes, to say good. As happy as I was to see him, I was so tired of crying, and sick of being distressed. I considered breaking up with him when he got out. I didn't want to live like that anymore.

When he finally did get out, he'd confessed to me about all the things he'd done just before getting locked up-and before meeting me . "I stole cars and sold them- for parts, I mean, I used to". Hughh? How? " I asked. " I just want you to understand, it wasn't just the fight by your house. They been on my ass for months. The fight was just an opportunity, for them to lock me up. Since they couldn't have caught me any other way. "SLAP!" I layed one smacker across the side of his face. Are you crazy? he asked, gripping my arm to restrain me. "No, but I'm getting there fast". How could you not tell me these things? "I was planning to", he claimed. "in my own time. "Oh, well thanks a lot." I replied..."you wait till I'm all into you, to tell me all this." "But that's just the thing. I was planning to do more than just tell you." "What are you talking about? I asked. "I don't want to be this...this person anymore." He started again. Laying his cold hand across my cheek. "I found out something here- being with you." "I'm listening" "I found out that, I could be more than this. You make me, want to be more than this." At that moment, I thought, He better not be playing me, because if he was, he was damn good at it. "You are more than this", I said. Our firey embrace warmed his paren't couch that afternoon. I stayed there till 10:oopm-making up for lost time, I guess. When I got home after being scolded, I got some more bad news, for me anyway.

" We're moving !" my mom announced to me as I walked in. I didn't fully realize it but I was in more of a prison than Mike ever was. "What? I asked. What do you mean we're moving?" You heard me." I got the house I had my eyes on. It's for sale, and I'm buying it." "Your doing this to pull me away from him, and its not going to work!" " You know I wanted to move." she denied. 'We're out of her by the end of he month."

Brooklyn & Queens weren't that far from each other, but to a 15 year old without a car...It might as well be Texas. As for he and I...separated once again, and counting. To be continued.

Part lll

It was October 15, 1995 the day we moved in. The house was this fancy ranch style kind. I liked a bit, but never let that out. I was still pissed at ma, for snatching me out of my High School, and away from my man. Here's your new room. We gonna use the old bed for now until I buy you a new set. ;"How come she gets a new set. My sister- correction older sister always got first dibbs when new stuff cam in. The 'hand me down' system prevailed a whole lot in that house. The first week was super peculiar. You know, getting used to the new neighbors the house and everything else. All I could do, was ask about getting the new phone line, so Mike could call, and visa-versa.

We finally got one, and he and I spoke twice a day for the next month. That is until the day it all started. "So... who tried to talk to you today"? Hhh? That was a strange question to me. "Nobody, why do you ask? "Oh come on, don't tell me that no guy in the whole school tried to mac to you. "Ahah! No, but but thanks for the flattery babe." He must of asked me that, every day. Who tried to go out with me that day. Who I met in class. It was getting very strange-but little did I know there was a good reason for that.

The following week. My old acquaintance Deedee called with some peculiar news. " You heard, my brother spotted him, walking with some chick, down Glen road at like 2:00am in the morning." "Yeah, well he goes to those parties that his friend keeps. He's probably was just walking her home or something." I said. "Are you retarded?", Deedee insisted. "You better not let that guy play you for no fool! I taught you better than that." Deedee was this male hating, pro-cheating female, determined never to let a guy play her. Her motto was to fool around on a guy, before he could do it to you. Idiotic, I know. But to her, it was a survival thing. What she told me bother me a bit. Because Mike usually was so open with me, and he never mentioned any friend that Deedee described. I convinced myself that he'd have told me if he was seeing someone else, or even wanted to. I left it alone.

My first visit to the neighborhood to see Mike fell on a weekend. The plan was to take a taxi when I got off the subway, then to the house. He was at his window, when I arrived. 'Hay who that sexy girl coming the driveway", he joked. I guess his parents were out, cause the house was completely quiet. We walked up the stairs and that eerie room in their attic, where he stayed never looked so cozy. We kissed and cuddled and did all the euphoric, thangs that lovers do.. except the lewy of course. It was just too soon for us. "Please! No, I can't. "Come on it been like a year since we been together. "Almost a year" I corrected, "but its not time, please. 'Hh...Virgins'! Excuse me? " Nothing, I just don't see what the problem is. I mean we love each other. You know I love you. You say you love me. What's up?" I know it your first time but damn babe, you got me hurtin over here." Inside I turned cold, I'd forgotten Mike thought he was my first-but technically not- as per some stupid experiment I conducted, just before to meeting him. But that's an entirely separate saga.

Now, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to ruin the night, or have the fight, I knew we'd have-had I told him. So that night, I said nothing.

Deedee kept nagging me to show up un-announced to his house. "Come on K surprise him! Roll up on his a%s*" at like 9 o'clock Friday night. "And what get my but whooped when I get home. "I'll cover for you come on!" This is like priority. The only reason went along with it. was to show her" how wrong she was about him.

Dee and I arranged to plan a so called slumber party, where we;d take a break to take and "un-announce stop by his house. I dressed a little 'tom- boyish' so as no to be recognized on the way. Dee too wore sneakers and and cap which she hated to wear. Slowly walking down the block Dee started hyperventilating. "Ohh my god! I held me breathe when I realized what she was so frantic about. There as we approached the house, Mike was walking out of his bearly lit drive way with a pink stripped, button down shirt, and a tall, and pretty girl wearing a belt length skirt, and holding a kitten in her hand. "That whore!" It was after 10:00pm. Dee went nuts. "Wait!" I kept saying she was ready to attack. I learned much later, this was more of a personal vendetta for Dee. She had been hurt before and was trying to protect me from that. "Hold on Deedee, stop for a minute!" I stood there and looked directly into Mike eyes to sort of 'scan' his expression. I knew then in that moment, that no matter what he said. He was about to lie to me. "I was just trying to call you." What are you doing here, so late? and how'd you to get here from Queens? ' I just looked at him and stood quiet. I was waiting for him to stop making small talk and just explain. He read my mind. "Oh um, Kad this is Jenni. Jenn this is Kad my girl. She stood their with this wicked smile, petting her cat. I said 'umm', rather then hello. It wasn't a very hi moment. "Mike, I think I'll be leaving now" she said in a soft suggestive voice, while walking away. "I didn't know whether I was more hurt by, his guilty intro, or the fact that some woman just walk out his house in a tight mini, while I was suppose to be so far. Definitely a toss up. Dee walked away, to leave and Mike alone. "Why do you look like that? he asked. How should I look? You want me to smile and act like, nothing just happen?" Or that you're not baggin' some chick behind my back, huh?" 'I'm not! She came over to braid my hair. "At 10:00 o'clock'? "Dee was right", I yelled. I walked away to leave, as he pulled me back to him. 'No, you don't understand'. See Mike had not been with her that night, I could see eventually he would, it was obvious. He gave me some sob story about her living in a foster home, and how she had no else to talk to. "How perfect for you, now you get, not to feel guilty" about double crossing me. two girls. "Don't be like that. I wasn't sure how to introduce yall". "Look forget about it, I said. 'If you want to move on, then go, but don't lie to me." I decided to stop being so angry. Say cheese, I said. I brought a camera, to catch for some reason. he was a bit puzzled. I ask Dee to take some photos of us, happy. I think I did that cause, deep down, I knew we were splitting apart slowly. I don't know how I knew, I just felt it. tbc...

In short, Mike eventually did, both sleep with the girl and she became pregnant. I somehow managed to not even hate her for anything. The problem started between, he and I. There was a lack of honesty about who we really were. As I mentioned earlier, he called trying to patch it up and somehow juggle the two of us. Instead, we grew into something very different-something neither of us were ever expecting.

The ultimate question with us was, did we break up because he cheated or because I kept myself and my honesty from him. Even though his acts came before, he ever knew of mine. It was still a betrayal to him. In the end, it didn't matter. We'd forgiven both ways. Not because of guilt or sorrow, but because we wanted to forgive. And that was the best decision we ever made, because the next few years ahead, were not easy, for either of us. We'd seen each other through his first child, him being shot, my being raped at work, nearly losing a parent, and his near suicide. I don't know where I'd be without him, and vice-versa. But what didn't kill us, somehow to made us stronger. Of course 'affairs' aren't cool but, they seem a bit minuscule in size compared to, the big picture. To have anyone in this life, who truly cares for you, and is there for you, no matter what, is a blessing. Being married, or finding a career is wonderful too, but finding purpose is a whole other ball game'. That concludes this saga. Thanks so much for reading!

Straight Talk!

So, I had one of those really difficult 'straight talks' today. You know, one of those important 'discussions' you never ever feel like having.

Yep, turns out they're much harder to worry about, than to actually have.

It's kind of like having your first beer. Pretty nasty at first taste, but pretty soon you're

hooked. Not that I even drink beer but, what ever you fancy now, that you once hated is really similar to having a straight and serious conversation with some one close to you.

See whether breaking up with your 'bo', telling your pops to lay off a bit, or telling your older sister to 'quit' forgetting you're not kids anymore, It's much harder to hold it in, than it is to actually have a straight talk. Walk right into the room, with the talk spewing out, if you have to. Save hi, and hello for later. Straight talk is urgent and can never be rude.

I used to try to jot down points, but recently found that it does't work. What has worked in the recent past is to feel what you are saying. Don't just think about it. That can get too jumbled, and over rehearsed. Simply convey your feeling. Saying what you need to say, just the way you mean.

You can try not to yell, but if you do, wind up yelling, just remember to duck afterward. lol. Just kidding. But do, have the talk. You'll be so glad you did.

Straight talk -Good for the bowels, even better for the soul.

Beware... The Familiar Avatar

Ever noticed, that some of the greatest disappointments and betrayals in your life tend to come from the people closest to you. Yes, it's a sore topic, but one that definitely 'needs an address'.

Ever find the night your 'squeeze' really wants to talk, your simultaneously getting that urgent call you've been expecting.

What about having your "so called " cousin stop by the night you have to finish a term-paper

to complete.

Oooh, and how about that heart-to-heart your sibling just "has to have" with you, the same morning you're late for a final exam.

Notice a pattern, in these three senarios? I do, because I've experienced them all.

In this concrete jungle of a world we live in, your worst enemy, after yourself is often your family & friends. Think about it. If your enemy or some adversary force wanted to get to

you, who else would they use?

I call this the howl of, the familiar avatar. Why because, an avatar has two faces one for you...and one behind the scenes. The tactic, I am referring to occurs, anywhere, despite religion, race, or culture. We've seen it in movies, TV, and music, and if you look closely, experience it every day.

The fact of the matter is: Just because someone is your "Family member, Husband,' Friend, or whatever trustworthy title they hold, doesn't mean they're always going to act in your best interest. Don't just take my word for it. Check it out. Ask some one you often give alot to, for a favor of some kind and ask, while there doing something important to them. See how quickly they put you, in your place. So why, feel bad for standing up.

My personal problem 'used' to be not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, be rude, etc etc. But recently, I decided that that was bull. Today, I speak up. I say No...and I let go. But most of all I choose me, cause' if i don't, no one else will either. Who will you choose? by/ Kadraj